| it's been awhile |
[19 Oct 2005|09:33am] |
hm... i don't really know what to say. i'm tired of only hearing people's views of me via online blogs. maybe i am the worst person ever. i'm seeing an ugly, dark side of the people i used to be close with... and i'm not going to lie and say that i'm not changing, too. or that i haven't fallen off the face of the earth.
this is my first leave of absense. other people have left the state. or hid out in their rooms for weeks on end. or done the same thing that i'm doing. and anyone who denies that is lying through their teeth. i've always been around... and i know what it feels like to be abandoned. and i bet that no one would know it... but i feel abandoned now. and i've tried to empathize. and has anyone tried to empathize with me? of course not. well what's fucking new?
what people are not talking about it how there was turmoil long before he came around. and this is not his fault. i take responsibilty for my own actions.
i am exhausted. my grandpa is steadily getting worse. my cousin tried to kill herself again. school and work are exhausting me. and my friends hate me.
i wish that i had the energy to be super-friend and fix everything but i don't. i have tried to fix things and come around, and i am met with hositlity, sarcasm and the cold fucking shoulder. so should i just except the fact that i have no friends and that people are too stupid and ignorant to see anything from someone else's point of view?
because i'm tired. and i feel rejected.
and you think he's an asshole? well he's been holding me up through all of this stuff with my family. and i love him. and he treats me well and i'm happy.
|
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| I'm numb |
[28 May 2005|02:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the sound of a lawnmower and my heartbeat in my throat |
] |
a coroner kneels beneath a great wooden crucifix
he knows there's worse things than being
alone
i don't know what to do.
move on.
be angry.
miss him.
stop believing that anything good can come out of this world.
god is dead.
and a witty saying proves nothing. it won't bring him back. not for me. not this time.
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| input, people!!! |
[20 May 2005|03:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the smiths - ask |
] |
shyness is nice
and shyness can stop you
from doing all of the things in life
you'de like to
coyness is nice
and coyness can stop you
from saying all of the things in life
you'de like to
so if there's something you'de like to try
ask me
i won't say no
how could i
ask me ask me ask me
because if it's not love
then it's the bond that
will bring us
together
i have a feeling that i am going to do absolutely nothing this summer. all of these days that i've had off, i have done nothing. i have slept until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and done nothing. it feels good, but it's also sort of depressing. i've been in kind of a rut for the past couple weeks. ever since school let out. as much as school sucked, it made me feel like i was good for something. now the only thing i'm good at is staying up until 5am watching the family guy box set and eating chips and salsa. not that there's anything wrong with that.
tomorrow i want to actually do something. i really need to clean my room, and i need to find things to put in my car. for some reason, driving my new car is really depressing. it just doesn't feel right. it's not pierre. pierre felt like home. we had karma together. people like to talk shit about pierre. call him a death-trap. yeah, he had no suspension, but i always liked giant four wheelers. his brakes sucked, but sometimes he just got so excited about where he was going that he couldn't even think about stopping. sometimes he didn't start, but everyone needs a nap every once in a while. he leaked oil sometimes, but he just needed to mark his territory. he may have been in rough shape, but he was the champ. and now he's in the hands of some young, flannel wearing, nascar watching fag that doesn't know anything about him. doesn't know how to treat him right. me and pierre have been through some of the best moments of my life. and the honda can never bring back those moments. it's a nice car, i suppose. the window doesn't go down and it's kind of shaky. these quirks would have been acceptable in pierre, but now they're just annoying.
i think that what i need is something to make it feel like home... some personal touches. if anyone has anything that they would like to contribute, by all means, speak up. plus, what he really needs is a name. actually i think it's a girl car. she needs a name. hmm... this is going to keep me up tonight.
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| I'm hanging from this streetlight. |
[16 May 2005|06:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 morose |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the faint |
] |
i'm not unsympathetic
i see why you left
there's no one to know
nothing to do
this city's been dead
since you've been gone
it seems like today is the most depressing day ever. sometimes you just wake up and know that today is going to suck. i should have just stayed in bed. it's gloomy and cold, there's nothing to do, nothing that seems desirable to do anyway. everybody is going to the bright eyes show. i didn't even really want to go until i realized that i was the only one not going. and nobody bothered to invite me anyway. and i don't see any happiness on the faces of anyone. my parents are just laying around, not really talking. everybody's in a crap mood. i feel like getting in my car and driving somewhere, but i know that i won't find peace of mind anywhere else. i just feel restless and left out.
for a minute i felt like i was 15 again.
i just wish someone would call me and ask me to do something. anything. just so i don't have to sit around the house feeling like all of the life is being slowly drained out of me.
i wanted to go see eric today in the hospital, but only immediate family is allowed to see him. they wouldn't even let my dad go. yesterday his brain started swelling, his lungs collapsed and his heart stopped 3 times. i just want to see him but they're still not letting anyone in. as much as i'm afraid to see him, i need to. i feel numb.
and i have the nerve to complain about my life. when things like this happen they make you feel lucky to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. and people get upset over the most petty, stupid things. and i'm guilty.
i think i need to leave.
yeah, ok. i'm leaving.
|
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| I don't want to see through my own eyes anymore. |
[13 May 2005|01:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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indifferent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Alkaline Trio |
] |
The semester is over. And I feel quite indifferent. I'm happy that I'm done with all those classes, and I don't have to wake up early anymore, and I can be lazy for a couple of months. But I don't really feel strong emotions anymore. I don't know why. I can really piss people off, or do/say something mean to someone, and I won't feel any remorse about it. Or someone will do something shitty to me, and I won't get upset or feel affected by it. My cousin Eric got in an accident last weekend, and although I love him and want him to be ok more than anything, I didn't cry or feel sad. I feel like that's fucked up. I love my cousin and he's fucking paralyzed, and I didn't cry when I found this out. My grandpa has cancer, and I've cried maybe once about it, even though I think about it everyday. I think, and I think, and I think, but I don't feel any emotions other than maybe a dull ache of sadness in my stomach. And I don't want to go see him this summer, even though I know that I should, that I need to. I haven't seen him since he's gotten sick, and I just don't want to see him because I'm afraid of what he will look like, and that might make it too real to me. And that's a fucking selfish thing to say. But that's how I feel. And the last 3 times my mom went down to see him, I felt no guilt about not going. None. I sit around, and I slap myself in the face and pinch myself, trying to feel things the way that I should. Nothing. It scares me how little I feel. And how can you make yourself feel something? I'm just not affected by anything anymore. I never talk about these things with anyone, my mom tries to prod it out of me, and I try to think about it and pray about it and try to cope with it or feel something, anything, but I just don't. I feel completely desensitized. You know how sometimes you will catch yourself staring off into space, and you just completely lose contact with everything that's going on around you, and you think and feel nothing? That's how I feel all the time.
Somebody tell me what the fuck is wrong with me.
See I don't really care if I am healthy or not, just clean my head up top, I'll give you anything you want.
|
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| Pulled my trigger, now he's dead. |
[20 Apr 2005|12:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rocky Votolato |
] |
I got an extension.
A typhoon hit, and Ally and I started running in circles, and then we ran into each other. It was sweet. Thunderstorms make me feel clean. I don't know when I last showered.
:: Is it the red wire, or the blue wire? Just pick one and cut, it just doesn't matter anymore. But did it ever? Because I could never control when the bomb would explode. Oh God, I love you ::
I mean forever.
|
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| I've grown tired of that place. |
[20 Apr 2005|12:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Incubus |
] |
Why do I suck as a person?
I have been sick for the past week, which has made it difficult for me to accomplish anything. But not impossible. But have I accomplished anything? Of course not. Anytime that I didn't feel like death, I chose to go out with my friends, rather than work on my paper, which is due tomorrow. That I haven't done. That I'm not going to do. I emailed my professor and kissed his ass, asking for an extension. I asked for an extension on my last paper too. Yeah, life has sucked. But I could have gotten things done, had I not waited until the last minute to do it. I just feel like a piece of shit. I know that one paper is not the end of the world, and if I put my mind to it, I could get it done. But I'm just too goddamned lazy. I really think that I am the laziest person on the face of the earth. I wish that I could just dedicate myself to school. And I just complain about it all the time. If I spent all the time that I spend complaining about school actually doing work, I would be done with all of my shit and I wouldn't have to sit around complaining about it because it would be done.
I didn't go to school today, because I didn't feel good and I was going to start working on my paper around 2pm, it is now 12:41 am and I haven't done anything. And I'm not going to do anything. And I had an A in anatomy, until I didn't study for a big test, and got a 77 on it, and now I have a B. And I know that a B is not a bad grade, but when you work really hard for an A, and then you let your grade drop because you're too fucking lazy and unmotivated to do anything, that sucks. I suck. And I just want the semester to be over, so that I can be lazy and get away with it.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day that I write my paper. Yeah. In the next 3 weeks, I have 5 papers due, and I don't even know how many tests. I hate college. I like going to the park and staying up late and going for drives, and playing games and having bonfires and going on adventures and drinking cheap beer and being with my friends and not being sick.
And I know that there must be a happy medium somewhere, where I can still do those things, and do the things that I need to do. But I just can't find it. It's called prioritizing. I don't want to grow up. No, no, no...
So... I have all this anxiety about these papers, and it's probably going to keep me up tonight. Along with my incesant coughing. And all this stress is very unnecessarry, and I have brought it upon myself and have no right to complain. But I will anyway. And I will have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach because I'm a failure and can't deal with life.
And I can't tell the boy that I like that I like him because I'm a big sally just like Alex says. Rejection is scary. And that will keep me up tonight, too. And I'll lose my chance.
RARRRRRRRRR!!!!
|
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| dance to this muthafuckin music we crip to |
[20 Jan 2005|12:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
quiet riot |
] |
INFO
Name: chrissy
Sex: female
Birthday: july 6th
Sign: cancer
Siblings: 1 brother, dylan chase
Location: canton, ohio
Hair color: brown
Eye color: brown
Height: 5'5"
DO YOU?
Do drugs? no
Drink? sometimes
Smoke? unfortunately
Steal? sometimes i steal lipgloss from walmart
HAVE YOU EVER?
Skinny Dipped? yeah
Boxed? unofficially
Climbed a building? attempted
Gone to the hospital? yeah
Rode in an ambulance? no
Been rejected? yeah
Rejected somebody? yeah
Been dumped? no
Dumped Somebody? yeah
Wished you could change things? yeah
Been in love? yeah
Been in love with a movie character? jude law
Lost a best friend? yeah
Saved somebody's life? i saved rito's life
Wanted to marry someone? yeah
LONGEST
Date? i don't know
Crush? 3 years
Relationship? i don't know
Sleep? like 15 hours
Drive? ohio to georgia
Work week? 55 hours
Kiss? i don't know... 10 minutes
Time spent with a sibling? days on end
LAST PERSON
You touched? bri
Kissed? james, wait... it was amanda and i don't wanna talk about it
Yelled at? todd
Beat up? i don't know
Hugged? bri
Missed? amanda
Wished you were with? jude law
BEST
Hug? jackson
Nap? in my bed?
Place? i don't know
Kiss? i don't wanna talk about it
Conversation? probably kat
Cookie? poo...
MUSIC WHEN
You're sad? elliot smith
Lonely? smashing pumpkins
Happy? journey, quiet riot, i like lots of music when i'm happy
Angry? the agony scene, black dahlia, give up the ghost
Getting married? elvis?
on your first date? black dice
you're with friends? snoop
Sleepy? morrissey
ARE YOU
Arrogant? sometimes
Smart? i suppose
Random? yeah
Mean? yeah
Hard Working? yeah
Organized? no
Shy? no
Sad? sometimes
Happy? more than i am sad
Hyper? yeah
Trusting? no
Honest? yeah
BEST PLACE FOR
Parties? donnie's
Smoking? outside when it's warm
First Dates? i don't know
Anniversary dates? i don't know
Eating out? talequepaque
Dancing? with myself, oh oh
Drinking coffee? sitting on a park bench
Hiding? in my room
Sleeping? my bed
Falling in love? wherever
|
|
| why do i live? |
[24 Dec 2004|05:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
weezer - suzanne |
] |
× •I N F O R M A T I O N • × •
Your name: chrissy
Sex: female
Birthday: july 6, 1986
Sign: cancer
Siblings: dylan chase
Hair color: dark brown
Eye color: brown
Height: 5'5"
• × • R E L A T I O N S H I P S • × •
Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: straight
What is your longest relationship?: like 6 months
What was your shortest relationship?: 2 days
• × • F A S H I O N | S T U F F • × •
Where is your favourite place to shop for clothes?: gap
Any tattoos or piercings: 4 piercings
Favorite designer?: i don't really care
What is your sexiest outfit?: wouldn't you like to know
What is your most comfortable outfit?: pajamas
What do you usually wear?: jeans, chucks, hoodie
• × • S P E C I F I C S • × •
Do you do drugs?: negative
What kind of shampoo do you use?: herbal essences
What are you most scared of?: losing my mom
5
What are you listening to right now: the news
Who is the last person that called you?: heather
Where do you want to get married?: in a quiet place
How many buddies are online right now?: 5
What would you change about yourself?: impatience, short temperment, lazy... etc
× • F A V O R I T E S • × •
Colors: black,grey,red
Foods: pez
Girl's name: Freedom
Boy's name: Chandler
Subjects in school: English
Animals: sugar glider
• × • H A V E | Y O U | E V E R • × •
Given anyone a bath?: yes
Smoked?: yes
Bungee jumped?: yes
Made yourself throw up?: yes
Skinny dipped?: yes
Ever been in love?: yes
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: what girl hasn't?
Pictured your crush naked?: yeah
Actually seen your crush naked?: yeah
Cried when someone died?: yes
Lied: yes
Fallen for your best friend?: yes
Been rejected?: yes
Rejected someone?: yes
Used someone? yes
Done something you regret?: yes
• × • C U R R E N T • × •
Clothes: grey sweat pants, red t shirt, pink socks
Music: elvis
Annoyance: it's cold out
Smell: smoke
Cd in player: i wouldn't know SOMEONE STOLE IT
DVD in player: Suburbia
• × • L A S T | P E R S O N • × •
You touched: Aryck
Hugged: Aryck
You yelled at: Nicki
You kissed: James
• × • A R E | Y O U • × •
Understanding: yes
Open-minded: yes
Arrogant: yes
Insecure: yes
Random: yes
Hungry: not at the moment
Smart: yes
Moody: yes
Hard working: yes
Organized: NO
Healthy: no
Shy: no
Difficult: yes
Attractive: uh
Bored easily: YES
Obsessed: with what?
Angry: not usually
Sad: sometimes
Happy: sometimes
Hyper: yes
Trusting: no
• × • W H O | D O | Y O U | W A N N A • × •
Kill?: chico
Slap?: chico
Get really wasted with?: anyone who's not gonna make me angry
Get high with: no one
• × • R A N D O M • × •
In the morning I: lay in bed until it is absolutely necessary for me to get up
All you need is: respect
Love is: big
I dream about: lots of things
What do you notice first in the opposite sex: eyes, height, build
• × • W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R • × •
Coke or Pepsi: pepsi
Flowers or candy: candy
Tall or short: tall
• × • D O | Y O U | E V E R • × •
Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: not anymore
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: no
Wish you were younger: sometimes
Cried because someone said something to you?: yes
• × • N U M B E R • × •
Of times I have had my heart broken: once
Of hearts I have broken: not sure
Of ppl ive kissed: a lot
Of CD's I own: a lot
Of scars on my body: a lot
Of things that I regret: a lot
• × • Y O U R | T H O U G H T S • × •
I know: that I am lucky
I want: to be somewhere that's not Canton with someone that loves me
I wish: things weren't so uncertain all the time
I hate: being misled, being lied to, ignorance, wasted life
I fear: the reaper
I hear: the furnace, the tv
I search: in the dark
I wonder: what's going on
I love: my family and friends
|
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| my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating. |
[24 Dec 2004|04:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the beatles |
] |
so, uh, it's christmas eve, and nothing bad has happened to me yet.
i probably just jinxed myself.
car trouble. boo...
i somehow have managed to avoid becoming depressed this winter, ironically, i stopped taking my meds a couple months ago. hoodathunkit? psychiatrists are crooks.
new boy in life... possibly. kinda at a bad time, with crazy work schedules, annoying sleeping patterns and the holidays... but things are looking good, i think.
actually i don't know. things are kind of hazy.
"just don't get your hopes up." oh, the classic line...
too late.
blasted uncertainty.
i just don't want to be "that" girl.
i'm not gonna be that girl. even if i have to pretend that i'm not hurt, i'm going to salvage my dignity at all costs.
you don't KNOW me.
i think that i just need to stop being so goddamned impatient, and just wait it out. but anyone that knows me well, knows that i am anything BUT patient.
:taps foot:
the end.
|
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| idonthavetimeforthissurverybutimgonnadoitanyway |
[14 Dec 2004|05:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
If I were a month, I'd be: july
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: saturday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: 3am
If I were a planet, I'd be: mars
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: seal
If I were a direction, I'd be: south
If I were a sin, I'd be: lust
If I were a liquid, I'd be: liquid nitrogen
If I were a tree, I'd be: a magnolia
If I were a bird, I'd be: a sparrow
If I were a tool, I'd be: a hack saw
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: a sugar cane
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: a warm thunder storm
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: a nymph
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: a cello
If I were an animal, I'd be: a puppy that never turns into a dog
If I were a color, I'd be: green
If I were an emotion, I'd be: compassion
If I were a vegetable, I'd be: broccolli
If I were a sound, I'd be: zing!!
If I were an element, I'd be: fire
If I were a car, I'd be: VW bus
If I were a song, I'd be: Blackbird by the Beatles
If I were a movie, I'd be: White Oleander
If I were a book, I'd be: The Sound and the Fury
If I were a place, I'd be: on the moon
If I were a material, I'd be: polyester
If I were a taste, I'd be: spicy
If I were a scent, I'd be: clean laundry
If I were a word, I'd be: ELF
If I were an object, I'd be: a rubix cube
If I were a body part, I'd be: an eye
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: perturbed
If I were a subject in school, I'd be: quantom physics
If I were a shape, I'd be: a trapezoid
If I were a number, I'd be: 1
|
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| Droning on demons from a heavenly hell. |
[14 Dec 2004|05:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
enthralled |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Elliot Smith - Pretty Ugly Before |
] |
Sleep? Who needs sleep? Sleep is for the weak...
So, uh, what's up 2nd all-nighter in a row? Praise Jesus, thank you for Monster Energy drink and ibuprofen in mass quantities. I've gotten quite a bit done. I wrote my paper for English last night and emailed it to my professor with seconds to spare. I rule!!! Or maybe I suck... Hm... Tonight I wrote another paper and did this excruciating listening assignment for my theory class... Boo... All I have to do is type it and study for my exam. I'm so afraid of this test... How could anyone possibly remember information about 53 different composers? Unless you're a music scholar, and that I am not. I think that I pretty much have an A in the class, and I don't know whether or not this exam will kill my grade... I just want a B on it... an A would be nice... But I'll take what I can get on no sleep. So after this exam, I just have two more exams, one of which I'm not worried about. I'm studying for calc with Tasha after my theory exam... Not sure how that'll go, since we get goofy together and I'm definitely going to be slap happy by that point. I must do well on my calc exam... must... must... I'll just have to study for this thing like crazy... I've NEVER had to study for math, or even go to class or do homework... I don't know how to adjust. I've always just gotten A's. Sometimes I don't know how I keep myself together. I'm so lazy, disorganized and scatter brained, sometimes I'm pretty impressed with myself just for making it to school in one piece. But somehow it all comes together at the last second. Like right now for example. I have less than two hours to type out this paper, study for my exam and get ready... I'm not worried... Yeah, yeah I am worried.
When the sun comes up and you haven't slept, it's a weird feeling. Like you missed a vital phase in the day, when actually, everyone that was sleeping missed something... And I saw it. So maybe I should just stop sleeping... Maybe eventually I would adjust. Einstein just took power naps all through the day... I function better at night anyway... Now I'm rambling...
Sunshine, been keeping me up for days
There is no night time, it's only a passing phase
And I feel pretty, pretty enough for you
I felt so ugly before, I didn't know what to do
Sometimes is all I feel up to now
But it's not worth it to you
Cos you gotta get high somehow
Is it destruction that you require to feel?
Like somebody wants you, someone that's more for real
|
|
| Somebody ring the alarm. |
[07 Dec 2004|12:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Hope Conspiracy |
] |
So remember that one time that I had a project due on Thursday, and it was Tuesday and I hadn't even started it? Oh yeah, that was TUH-day... The concensus is, I suck at life. I know I'm a big dummie for getting all worked up about this, because it's not THAT hard, all I have to do is make a speech about students using drugs to cope with stress... HA! My expertise... I could right a fucking book about it, but I have to use sources to back it up, and I'm just retarded when it comes to research. Rephrase... I'm LAZY when it comes to research. I've found like a dozen books, and when I can't find what I need in them I just give up and look for a new book. I just need to find something to focus on in my presentation... Because I can find plenty of books about stress, and plently about drugs, but none about both. The books about coping with stress talk about painting, and excercising, or therapy, or golfing... They never talk about getting obliterated or any negative ways of dealing with stress. And that's the road many choose to go... Why didn't anybody write a book about that?! I'm pissed. Anyway... I was supposed to work on my project today, and ended up coming home and watching my brother instead, and by "watch my brother" I mean I slept on the couch until I had to go to work (I RULE!!!) And I was gonna go right after school tomorrow to work on it, but I'm getting my nails done with Jen, Jess and Tiff because they begged me all night at work to go with them, and I could use a break. I just need to get back in the swing of things. I was doing good last week, and now I'm just like a zombie that is incapable of doing anything remotely productive.
Well you see... I haven't drank since like July... but as soon as finals are over, I am getting so drunk that I can't stand up. And I'm gonna dance, too. Anyone wanna party???
Well I have homework and it's already 1am and I have to be up at 6:30... The crack of fucking dawn...
The End.
|
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| Yay!!! |
[05 Dec 2004|03:52am] |
My results for this quiz made me want to DANCE!!!
I LOVE ROBERT SMITH!!!
|
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| If vessles could fly, this place would be busier than Ohare. |
[05 Dec 2004|03:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nauseated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Alkaline Trio - You're Dead |
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I have been listening to Alkaline Trio and Elliot Smith for the past month, NON-STOP!!!
So... I think I may be shutting down. I don't think my body can handle much more stress. Finals are in two weeks, and I think I'm starting to get things under control. And by "under control" I mean that I haven't slept more than 3 hours each night, and I've been doing nothing but studying and writing papers. I have to do this psychology project, and I just can't seem to get going on it... I have actually been trying to work on it, I'm just so bloody exhausted, and on top of that, I think I'm getting sick. I've felt like hell all day. Sinus pressure, headache, nausea, shakiness, inability to concentrate on anything. I don't need this right now... I wanted to FINISH my project today, but I barely got shit done, because I was so tired and icky feeling, and I couldn't concentrate to save my fucking life. It's due Thursday, and I have to work 5 days next week. BULLSHIT!!! I can't fucking handle this shit... and my mom doesn't seem to understand, that I can't work this much AND have 17 credit hours. Nope. It just doesn't work. Somehow, I'm still broke. I feel like I could cry. It's like I'm in a full sprint but I never get anywhere. The good thing is that the finish line is in sight... Two more weeks left of school. Two more weeks of hell. After that... Over a month off. I've been going to work, coming home, and studying until 4am... Yeah, I get it done. But I don't feel like a human. I have been skipping classes because I just can't do this. My alarm will go off and I just don't even hear it, even on the loudest volume. And then my mom screams at me, and I just feel like I'm going to explode. It's not fucking helping the situation when she screams at me. I have gotten more lectures in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 5 years. Can't you see I'm trying as hard as I can?? What more do you want me to do? I do nothing but go to school and work, and I'm exhausted, I don't need you in my face.
I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. Because it will get done... I finished my term paper in 3 days, and it's a kick ass paper... I'm extremely proud of myself. So I know I can get this other stuff done, because that paper was my most difficult assignment. It's just that I'm so tired I can't even figure out where to start. I can't even engage myself in a conversation, because my brain has just reached its maximum capacity. People ask me what's wrong, and what I'm worried about. And I can't even talk about it. I just feel anxious and stressed and emotional... Like I could have a nervous breakdown at any second. I feel like I could punch someone in the face... I need to wear a sign on my head, warning people not to piss me off. The people that have seemed to be on my last nerve lately are Chico and Kyle. It's like he has absolutely NO understanding for the shit I'm going through right now. And I thought that he, of all people, WOULD understand and cut me some fucking slack... But NO, he's on my ass more than ever. I hate taking out my anger on other people, but when I've slept 5 hours in the past two nights, and have just been working on my term paper for the past 7 hours, and got in a traffic jam for 45 minutes in Belden Village, YEAH, I'm gonna be a LITTLE edgy. My advice to you, stay the fuck away from me. Let me go to my room, chain smoke, and listen to music. I can seriously envision my head just exploding... And when he starts yelling at me, it takes all of my energy not to just scream right back. I'm sorry for whatever I did to piss YOU off... (which is usually something fucking trivial and petty) And you say I'm always the victim... Yeah, well I am the fucking victim right now. I'm PMS'ing, I'm tired, stressed out, frustrated, irritated and exhausted, and I really don't fucking care about what problems you may have with me. We can talk about it later when I'm not a fucking train wreck. I DON'T CARE!!! Trying to talk to me right now is a lost cause, don't take it personally. I'm always the fucking bad guy in his eyes, because he never does anything wrong. Well let me be the bad guy, just don't fuck with me right now. And you can think whatever you want about me... just don't fucking talk to me. Because I don't care about what you have to say. Let me calm down and relax, and then we'll talk. But don't attack me the moment I walk in the door after a 14 hour day, because there's nowhere in my brain for me to put whatever you're about to say. So don't waste your fucking time.
Anyway... I'll dance in the streets when all this shit is over with. It won't be long... so I just need to delay the mental breakdown for another two weeks.
I'm having a lot of thought about what exactly I'm doing in the world. I really need a healthier lifestyle. I wish I could quit smoking, eat better, excercise and get healthier sleep patterns... That will be my focus for my break. And I need to budget my money. How many times have I said that before?? Blah, I suck. I need money for Christmas presents, and I don't know where I'm going to find it. I need to not buy things for myself, and I need to stop buying food.
I'm also wondering about whether or not Nursing is the major for me... Because I just don't know if I'm into it as much as I thought I was. I don't have any other ideas... I just don't know if I can do all the work involved without being passionate about it. I want to take interesting classes, ones that I actually want to go to. My psychology class was the only one that even remotely sparked my interest... I don't know, I will discuss this more later. I just keep hearing the magical words... job security... I realize that money isn't everything, but I need to be financially secure... and that IS important. Yeah, I could major in liberal arts or philosophy, but I need to eat and drive a car and have heat in my house. I guess I just need to explore my options. All I know is that I don't want to go through all this college and end up hating my life, financially stable or not.
But that's the least of my worries right now... I need to focus on right now...
And in case some people didn't figure it out... Do NOT piss me off in the next two weeks, because you will DIE!!!
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| Frosty top bitches |
[16 Nov 2004|12:16am] |
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Give up the Ghost - Your arsonist |
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I have like 8 million huge projects coming up. And by 8 million, I mean 3. I just can't bring myself to get anything started. I have my term paper for English, final project in psych, paper in my music class... Then finals in my other classes too... oh please shoot me now... I guess it's not so bad, at least I like my topics. This semester is almost over, which is freaking crazy... At least I still have like a month to get everything done...
Anyway... I'm starting to see that this town isn't going to take me anywhere. I seriously need a change in my life... I don't know if this is what I want or need. I need to be somewhere where I can't afford to slack off... Because if I can find an excuse to be lazy, I will use it to the fullest extent. This morning, for example... my mom woke me up before she left for vacation... and I fell back to sleep and just didn't go to school. No self motivation... And I'm not going to my first class tomorrow. I have to study for a psych exam tonight. So I guess it's cool, I'm skipping class because I have to stay up late studying... But I'm about to play euchre online... Eh, whatever... It's a valid reason in my eyes. I just really need to get my shit together...
And I really want a vacation. Next week, my wife is coming home and I have 4 days off from school AND work. ::the heavens open up and choirs sing:: I wish we were going somewhere... I need a break from this place and these people... Maybe that's why I'm feeling so lazy... Nothing new is going on... Same shit everyday... Immature people... Getting caught in the middle of drama... Gotta love Denny's.
All in all, things aren't so bad. Work has been surprisingly tolerable. School isn't THAT stressful... I worked (some) things out with my mom. Not too happy about some unexpected bills... That's about it.
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| Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. |
[14 Nov 2004|02:47am] |
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Cave In - Antenna |
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What a fucking wonderful night. JUST wonderful...
Actually, this whole weekend hasn't been too bad... Mildly boring and uneventful, but pretty relaxing and such... however, I came home to some wonderful news.
My mom found my journal that I keep in my room, and read it. She was disturbed by my writing... And she got really pissed off, because she found out that I stopped taking my meds. I stopped taking them because I felt like a fucking zombie, and I wasn't feeling any better, and my doctor's a douchebag that just keeps upping my meds because he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. And I had lost all of my creativity and will to do anything. I told them that writing is my outlet, and just because my writing seems angry, doesn't mean that I'm horribly depressed and morbid. I just write when I'm frustrated, and it makes me feel better to get my frustration out on paper, rather than on other people and whatnot... Kyle said that by writing things like that, I am only fueling my depression... which makes no fucking sense whatsoever... How the fuck am I supposed to vent if I don't write? That is my release, would he rather I just hold it all inside and end up exploding? He just bombards me with all this psychology stuff... which I already know... And doesn't even listen to me. He just keeps saying that he has his master's in psychology and I don't... and he's been counseling in group homes for 17 years... So what I have to say doesn't matter? I didn't write those psychology books and I'm not some drug dealing thug that got put in DH for beating up his sister... I'm your daughter and you shouldn't talk to me like I'm a fucking retard.
Granted, I definitely should have handled it differently... I shouldn't have just stopped taking my meds and not said anything to my mom. And I feel REALLY bad because she went out and filled my prescription that I haven't even been taking for a month... And I know that my mom is just extremely worried because she doesn't want me to sink down really deep like I did last year... I know that she is going to worry herself sick over it... But I'm a big girl and I don't want her to do that. I can take care of myself... and I will go see another doctor and see what he thinks... I will admit that I fucked up... But she takes it as a direct attack and insult on her parenting, and that's not it at all. This happened because my doctor is a fucking prick and I got pissed off and stopped taking my meds. It's not her fault, and I didn't do it to hurt her, and that's the way she makes it seem. And it's like... I'm already fucking stressed out as it is. I have almost straight A's my first semester in college, I'm working 30 hours a week, I'm not drinking or doing drugs, I'm helping out around the house... And then ONE thing happens, and suddenly I'm the psychotic child that needs to be drugged up at all times that lies to my parents and worships Satan because I write "disturbing poetry" and have skulls in my ears. It's like, I do everything I'm supposed to do, and everything's fine, and then one thing goes wrong and everything comes crashing down and I don't know how to fix it... I guess all I can do is say that I'm sorry for handling things the way that I did and we will be able to fix everything and maybe a different doctor will have a different solution and put me on different meds... I don't know...
The thing is... I don't WANT new medication... I'm sick of it... I'm sick of being a slave to these anti depressants. I do think that they help... but I don't feel like the same person, and that freaks me out... I think that I would be better off with a really good therapist that could teach me how to deal with things in a healthy way, rather than assuming the fetal position in my bed and cutting myself off from the world. I really am sorry that I hurt my mom... It really pisses me off that she invaded my privacy like that... and I really wish shit hadn't hit the fan all at once... But hopefully we can talk it through and everything will be ok. If anyone would like to offer some advice, that would be awesome...
The End.
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500milesanhour's journal
frustrated